It’s easy to blame the apps for the downfall of dating, but is there more to the story? We turned to Maya Tyler, a life and relationship coach, to find out.
Tyler breaks down the top reasons she sees in her experience as contributing to people finding themselves in a perpetually single spiral.
Bias from prior experiences.
“People tend to lean into what they’ve seen, heard about, or are afraid of happening when it comes to negative possibilities in relationships. When you bring in your negative bias, you limit your ability to recognize, accept, or even expect positive change.”
Peer pressure.
“Everyone wants to please everyone. We crave social acceptance. People tend to want a mate that checks all the boxes their friends, family, and traditions would require; instead of deciding or even looking for what THEY really want, or what serves THEIR personal character, needs, and lifestyle.”
Boundary fail.
“Being single can be lonely, so lowering our boundaries increases our chances of at least not being alone, or rejected- it is tempting. The problem is if you’re in a relationship that constantly oversteps or ignores your boundaries (your needs, limits, and deal breakers), you usually – eventually – wind up single again.”
Unrealistic expectation.
“This isn’t always about expecting fairy tales. Sometimes people expect a new relationship to be like someone else’s they’ve seen, a previous one they were in, or an ideal one they’ve made up in their heads without any intent to put in the necessary work toward.”
Self sabotage.
“This is when a person creates the exact situation they say they are afraid of, performs actions that push others away, or quits relationships before they can “go bad” or be painful. It’s not always a self-esteem issue, where people just don’t believe they could truly be loved by anyone. That usually stems from prior events in the person’s childhood or formative memories that create a “shell shock” or PTSD response. Sometimes, however, it’s an act of self-preservation, where the person has a fear of what happens next, and what may need to be compromised if they DO fall in love.”
